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[personal profile] josieb1

I don't normally post about myself, as my life is pretty boring.

 

I live in the UK, work full time, for a bank, in a job I sort of fell into, not one I picked, married, no kids, pretty normal hum drum stuff


But today I feel different, disconnected almost, looking around me and seeing nothing behind, and nothing going forward, the reason is my mum, she died in 1986, at the age of 47 years and 7 days.

 

Today I am 47 years and 7 days old.

 

Not only have I lived more of my life without her, I am now the same age she was when she died.

I think what would anyone say about me if I died today?

Not healthy I know, but I can't quite decide if I want to cry, scream, or throw something, its really affected me and I can't shake it.

I dislike my job intensely; it’s all so pointless. I am nothing more than a number, but with hubby being made redundant in three months I can't leave. I go to work on auto pilot, listening to audio fics, (something I can't that the SPN fandom pod fic readers enough for, they literally keep me going). I need to not be able to think, it I let my thoughts take control who knows where I would end up!

Tonight hubby is cooking dinner, I plan to bury myself in front of the telly watching the Vampire Diaries and just not think how pointless this life is.

Anyone reading this feel free to pass by without commenting, it just helped to write it down.

 

I might post more in future, it might be cathartic, so if anyone feels my maudlin thoughts might depress them just de-friend me I won’t be offended.

Date: 2010-03-23 12:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mickieashling.livejournal.com
My mother died when she was 47. I was barely twenty, so, I too have lived most of my life without her. I feel your pain.

I'm here if you need to talk. PM me any time...

Hugs,
Mickie

Date: 2010-03-23 06:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] josieb1.livejournal.com
Hi Mickie

I was 22 when my mum died, and it seems so long ago, yet yesterday, if that makes any sense. I just didn't expect yesterday to hit me so hard, and add in a pointless job and its just all snowballing. Thanks so much for much for stopping by. I am off to work now but may pm you later if thats okay.

Date: 2010-03-23 01:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] huntress69.livejournal.com
I am in the 47 club too, and I sympathize.

I think what would anyone say about me if I died today?

I've thought along similar lines. I was unemployed for so long, went to school for medical and the only job I can find is working for a cable company's billing dept. I am still in training but give myself another 2 weeks before I will be working in my sleep, like I did when I was a bank teller.

I might post more in future, it might be cathartic, so if anyone feels my maudlin thoughts might depress them just de-friend me I won’t be offended.

That is what LJ, or any blog, is for. I have said a few times that I think if LJ had been around 30 years ago, I might have been a different person and felt better about myself, knowing that many others out there were experiencing the same things I was.

You keep right on posting, and I have also said a few times LOL, that if your F-List is not here for you, than what are they there for?

Date: 2010-03-23 06:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] josieb1.livejournal.com
Hi

Thanks so much for stopping by and your lovely comments, its so nice to know I am not alone, or my feelings are unusual. I was 22 when my mum died, and although it was long ago it really felt like it had happened recently, if that makes any sense. I just didn't expect to feel like that.

Thanks again, off to work now.........listening to Someone You Might Have Been read by FayJay, for the second time, I can't get enough of this one.
Edited Date: 2010-03-23 06:58 am (UTC)

Date: 2010-03-24 12:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] huntress69.livejournal.com
What you said does make sense, as my Dad passed 11 years ago but sometimes it does feel like yesterday.

Date: 2010-03-28 11:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] garvaldmains.livejournal.com
Hi babe...

My dad was 47 when he died, i was 19. I dont have words for it, but i know what it is like. I am 42 now, struggling with my weight, although my health is good in general... If i died tomorrow... i am guessing my readers may wonder why I am not posting J2 anymore... rofl... I dont hate my job, i am self employed, but i dont LIKE it, I LOVE writing... that is what i want to leave i guess...

HUGS you, however late I came to the party... xxxx

Date: 2010-04-02 09:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] josieb1.livejournal.com
Thanks so much for posting, and sorry for the delay in replying. If you died tomorrow we would all definatly miss your stories!. I am feeling a bit better now, its nice to finally have a few days off, and right now its sunny here. Have a lovely Easter and again thanks for posting, its so nice to know I am not alone.

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